


Colin and Orlando A-Z

by prussiluskan



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Lord of the Rings RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2006-09-27
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prussiluskan/pseuds/prussiluskan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin and Orlando's relationship in 26 scenes, in no paricular order other than the alphabet. It's angsty, it's fluffy and just about them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A is for Answer

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a big fan of slavery so I obviously don't own any of the Real People in this fic, but I don't know them either and if you think any of this is true, stop doing drugs.

”Orlando?”

”Hmm?” The answer of someone not listening.

”Orlando?”

”Yes?” Still not completely here with me.

”Orlando?”

”What?” He sounds annoyed, like he is doing something more important than listening to me, his lover of barely one year. He looks down at me, my head's lying on his lap. I’d been thinking about this for a while and now I couldn’t help but asking him.

”Why do you think people craves love and affection?”

”Huh?” I could see that that was not a question he had expected, but at the same time to answer it would be a challenge and the man I love does not back down from a challenge. I could practically see the wheels in his head turning as he tried to come up with a good answer for me.

“I suppose…” he started, “that people craves love because it makes them feel safe.” He started to talk faster now that he had an idea he could work with. He is a very smart man, my Orlando, even if he is happier when people think of him as a goof ball, waiting for the next adventure, the next fun ride. “When you know that someone loves you, not as a fan but as a parent, friend, lover, then you can trust them to always be there, always care about you and what’s going on in your life. The knowledge that you’re not alone with your troubles and that if you need to hide from the rest of the world for a while that person will understand that and maybe hide with you or at least keep you hidden from the world for as long as you need.”

“Orlando?” I see him shoot me an amused look. “Do you love me?” That was the question that I’d been thinking of. I just needed to know. He’s quiet for a while, but I can see he’s taking my question seriously.

“Yes. Yes Colin, I love you.”

“And I love you, Orlando.”

We look at each other and everything is alright with the world.


	2. B is for Broken

Colin is so full of himself, yet he is the kindest and sweetest man I know. I think that is why he was able to go through so many women besides being a drunk, chain-smoking bastard. One minute he’d have the foulest mouth on the planet but the second he set sight on a prey (read woman), he’d be all sweet talking and charming, at least until he got what he wanted – sex.   


But that all changed, not over night, ‘cause nobody changes that quickly and besides, it wouldn’t last if it had.   


It started changing when his son was born. Slowly that bastard started to see there was more to life, but that really freaked him out.   
  
He started to drink more, have more sex, doing drugs more, just because he couldn’t cope and he was scared. It affected it job,   
turning up on set drunk and high more often than not.   


It didn’t take long for him to over dose. The big OD. It was all over the tabloids that the party was over for Colin Farrell. He spent some time as a residence on a clinic, “finding” himself, no matter how corny it sounds. And he came out a little more changed. He seemed more humble and harmonious, but inside he still felt lost. Even more so now since he no longer had the booze and drugs to hide behind.  


And then he met me. I have to admit that I didn’t want anything to do with him in the beginning, but he sort of grew on me, you know? I have no idea how it happened, I only know that I have never been happier and the Colin is finally starting to cope with everything. Sure, we’ve had our rough spots but then all couples do. And Colin, God bless him, despite being broken still got some fire in him and that is why I love him.


	3. C is for Cocky

Do you know how I met Orlando? Everyone thinks it was at some party, even though I haven’t been fond of partying since I became sober. No, I met Orlando Bloom on an air-plane. We’d been seated next to each other on a flight between Los Angeles and London. It was a little more than 10 hours of strangeness. I don’t have any other word for it. I barely knew what he was like before the flight and so I didn’t really care. But Orlando. He told me later, with an embarrassed laugh, that even though he never wanted to believe the tabloids, he was afraid the I would start drinking the minute we were off and not stop until we were back on the ground.   
  
So he was not happy that we were sitting next to each other.   
  
And that I had the window seat.   
  
He really did not like that!   
  


For the first hour, or so, we didn’t say a word to each other. Then I pushed the button for the stewardess and at that Orlando made a weird sound deep in is throat, if I have to describe it, it was something between a moan and a groan, like he’d been waiting for that to happen and hoping it wouldn’t. But when I only ordered a Coke, he gave me a strange look like he had heard wrong. Then he shook his head and turned back to the film playing. But when I got the Coke, there was that look again, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He kept looking at me and I could see he was trying to figure me out. When he didn’t turn away I asked him (harsher than necessary maybe, but I was annoyed) “What?” He looked startled like he hadn’t expected me to notice him starring at him.   
  


“I didn’t figure you for a fan of Coke, Colin.” He said my name really slow, almost mocking me.  
  


“Yeah, well alcohol is so over rated these days, Orlando.” I couldn’t help but mock him back.   
  


“And here I was thinking that alcohol was your life substance, your blood and your air, or is it drugs that is your air?” Why that little shit!  
  


“At least I’m known to be able to drink anyone under the table, as opposite to certain sword buckling, elf prancing sissy on this flight.”   
  


That’s how we started to get to know each other, and I know that not many people would find this a healthy start on a relationship (can you imagine us at Dr. Phil? *shudder*), it worked for us. His cockiness and my cockiness seemed drawn to each other (as well as our cocks *grins*) and resisting was useless. We’re always insulting each other, and the bedroom is often a battle ground with sex for weapon. But, as Orlando once said, fights are always foreplay in our household.  
  


The cocky little bastard.


	4. D is for Drama

I don’t know how they do it. Whatever they do, wherever they go, it always causes Drama. Now, there are several types of drama in which they’re involved:  
  


  1. The fanatical drama that all of their fans seems to have, especially Orlando's. Wherever they go there’s screaming and fainting and “Oh my God, he looked at me!”. 
  2. The PR drama that happens whenever anyone of them does something worthy of tabloids.
  3. The Parental Drama (this is a big one, hence the capital letters) when they told their parent’s they were in love. With each other.
  4. The horny drama that they do when they want to have sex right now and they don’t care where they are.
  5. The playful drama is only for home, and only their closest friends and family are allowed to witness it.
  6. The hurtful drama. I know they want to believe this never happens, but every once in a while one or both of them steps over the line and says something hurtful, and then the other have to hurt back etc. This escalates until one of them comes crying to me, well not really since I live in France and they try to spend as much time as possible in their house in London, and I have to make it all right again.



I don’t look forward to the drama when the rest of the world finds out that they’re a couple. I think it will be bigger than anything they’ve been through so far, but I hope they will come out on the other side unscathed.  


 


	5. E is for Energy

“Where is your cuddly boyfriend, Orlando?” I barley heard Keira over the music. I gave her a look, wondering why she would describe Colin as ‘cuddly’. Sure, _I_ might think he’s cuddly, but I’m his boyfriend and if there’s _one_ thing Colin don’t want to be made public, it’s the fact that he loves a good cuddle after sex, and he is so perfect to cuddle. I sigh dreamily and now it’s me that gets a weird look.  
  


“Hey, Orlando?” She was snapping her fingers in front of me. “Do you know where Colin is right now?”  
  


“No, why?”  
  


“Right,” she says and grabs my arm, using it to drag me from our quiet corner to the dance floor. And Oh My God! There was my Colin (Ah, _my_ Colin), dancing with Johnny (grr, get away from my man!) and it looked like he’d been eating too much sugar. His legs were going everywhere, and let’s not forget about his arms! It felt like I was watching the Duracell Rabbit (it goes, and goes, and goes, and…). Whatever. Looking at Johnny, I could see that he was tiring quickly trying to keep up with Colin. Old man and all that. *snickers* I have to remember to share that with Kiera later. But now I’ve got a ‘dance’ to cut into. Save the ‘Oh I am so Famous’ Johnny Depp from my energized boyfriend.  
  


I stepped forward and with a formal bow (hey, I’m drunk! I’ve actually had a glass of wine already!) I asked “Is it alright to cut in?” Johnny looked at me strangely but with a nod he stepped away to join Keira.  
  


Before I knew it I had a heavy boyfriend hanging on me, his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist. I think I heard “Hi handsome!” before my tongue suddenly shared its space with another tongue. When I was allowed to breath again I asked my ‘weirder than normal’ boyfriend “Did someone give you something with sugar in?” I swear, when he have some sugar, he’s worse than a toddler drinking a whole bottle of Coca Cola on its own. And you thought _that_ is scary…   
  


“Yeah, Kiera gave me some candy a while ago.” I turn my head and give Kiera the glare of death. She knows what candy does to him, and then to set him on Johnny? “Orlando, I’m tired.” Oh great, of course the sugar rush is ending before I can get him home.   
  


“It’s all right, Colin. Just lay your head on my shoulder and I’ll take you home. And Keira, you are _so_ paying for the chiropractor-session I’ll need tomorrow!” 


	6. F is for Flowers

“Ah-cho!” Great, it’s that time of the year. The plan was that we already would be out of this country by now, but his PR manager dug up some more things and now my boyfriend’s face was all red and stuffy.   
  


“God bless you.” Not that it helps, but whatever.  
  


“I don’t think God have anything to do with this. It’s more the Devil’s work anyway.”  Or, how it actually sounded like: “I dod dink Godd have adydig do do wid dis. Id’s moh de Devil’s wok adyway.” Ah, always trust Orlando to have a sense of humor in the ‘darkest’ of times. If hay fever is the work of the Devil, then what is war? The Devil’s more evil dad’s idea?  
  


My man is, as you already might have guessed, allergic to flowers. I’m serious. Flowers. Put him in the same room as one single rose, and his nose and eyes becomes runny. We only use fake flowers in our house in London, and those that doesn’t know of Orlando’s allergy always have comments such as “Well, we can’t really expect two bachelors to have real flowers, now can we, Sybil?”. And springtime, like it is now, is so bad. With all those flowers popping up, spreading pollen and irritating him. He’s not allergic to anything else, only flowers. Weird.  
  


“Colin.” It’s amazing how a fully grown man can sound so whiny. Like he’s about to die any second. Oh, I know that I whine when I don’t feel too good, but that’s because it actually feels like I’m about to die and I really don’t want to die.   
  


“Yes, love?”  
  


“Could you please kill all the flowers in this country, _please_?”  
  


“Eh, that might be a bit difficult and maybe illegal. How ‘bout I give you your meds instead?”


	7. G is for Geometry

“God fucking bloody shelves that won’t do as I say!”  
  


“Eh, Colin? That does not look like the picture. I think you’ve made a mistake somewhere.”  
  


“Oh, you think so, Einstein?”  
  


“There’s no need to get angry at me! I’m only trying to help.”  
  


“I didn’t know ‘helping’ these days was holding on to a piece of paper while your spouse, that is me, is killed by various parts of the furniture.”  
  


“Fine, what do you want me to do?”  
  


“Take this, and get it out of my sight. I’ve had it!”  
  


One hour later.  
  


“How did you do that?”  
  


“Oh, please, Colin. It’s so simple a baby would be able to do this!”  
  


“Just tell me how you did it.”  
  


“These book shelves are supposed to be triangular, right?”  
  


“Yes? So?”  
  


“So there is one base and two sides, are you with me so far?”  
  


“Don’t be a smart ass.”  


“It’s only geometry, Colin!”  



	8. H is for Hair

I’m in love with Orlando’s hair. He says he’s not so fond of it right now, long and frizzy with a mind of its own. Going to cut it as soon as he can, he says. Myself, I find his hair very useful. When he’s blowing me, I can grab his hair and guide him, or just pet it, twist it between my fingers and just enjoying myself. When I’m fucking him, his hair looks like a halo, making him my angel here on earth. When he’s all tense I take a bath with him, washing and playing with his hair until he’s all relaxed and tension free against my body. When I want to tease him, I put his hair in braids with pink hair ribbing when he’s sleeping and can’t protest. But best of all, when we’re both asleep I can bury my nose in his hair and knowing all is right with the world.


	9. I is for Irresistible

“Colin?”

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing?”

“Cleaning the bathroom.”

“Naked?”

“Well, duh! The only way to get everything clean at once is to wet the whole bathroom at once, and if you think that I want to be clothed for that you’re crazy.”

“Oh. Why don’t I give you a hand?”

“Eh, Orland?”

“What? I’m busy here!”

“That’s not part of cleaning the bathroom!”

“Yeah, well… You just looked so irresistible.”

“Oh God!”


	10. J is for Jealousy

What does he feel the need to touch everyone he meets? He’s always hugging some fan that would love to know him more intimately. It’s even worse when it’s someone he knows and loves, clinging on them the whole time. I’m alright with the fan. They can’t have him, but when he knows the person I can’t help but think he’d be happier with that person. That they’d take him away from me. I try not to show it, but I hate it. And he knows it.


	11. K is for Kids

“Orlando… No! Stop that thought right there! We’re never getting kids of our own!”

“But look at him! He’s so adorable!”

“All kids are when they’re asleep. He was not adorable 10 minutes ago when he was running all over the place screaming after refusing to eat his food.”

“But we could go to the park and play…”

“…And getting hounded by paparazzi while trying to calm a monster…”

“Colin! Did you just call our child a monster?”

“We don’t have a child, Orlando, nor will we ever have one. Besides, all kids are monsters!”

“I’ll tell Liv you think her son is a monster!”

“Close the door and put that tongue away or put it to good use…Yeah, that’s it…Fuck, yeah! (Five minutes later) Now this is why we’ll never have any kids.”

“Why, ‘cause we’re poofters?”

“’Cause we’d only be able to do that in the bedroom, and then we might still get caught!”

“Oh… You’re right, no kids for us!”


End file.
